May 2024

It's a beautiful spring day out there! Even though I've stayed inside as usual, spring has sent its little insects over to greet me. The other day I reached into my old tote bag and found a spider inside!!! It startled me so bad, I screamed and dropped the bag, then mustered the courage to... move the bag into another room without dealing with the spider at all. Lol. Since then, I've been hypervigilant of anything small, black, and skittery, which unfortunately includes stray curls from my own hair.

I love to tell everyone on the internet that I love bugs, but I'm most definitely a fake fan. I can't name even 3 times where I encountered an insect that didn't end with me crying, complaining, or running away.... The other day I threw a whole fit over a damselfly sleeping on the kitchen window. It's embarrassing!!! I want to increase my tolerance... I want to be like those people in nature documentaries who have flies buzzing all around them and they don't even blink.

I can talk a big game about how much I love this iconic video of a Sand Spider, but the fact of the matter is that a 3-second sighting of a Real Spider the size of a nickel has given me three days worth of paranoia. It's not as dramatic as I might be making it sound, but if I have to remind my half-awake self that, actually, spiders are very unlikely to crawl inside your mouth while you sleep even once... that's one time too many. The fact that it hapepened twice has me totally fed up!

Heh... Despite my complaining, I'm actually in pretty good spirits, though I couldn't tell you exactly why. What changed? It's probably not the weather affecting my mood, since I've been cooped up inside for months on end. My diet's the same, I'm as physically inactive as ever, and it's not like I've gotten any new responsibilities or hobbies or anything. I mean... I did stop taking my vitamins for like 2 weeks, so maybe that's it? If I'd gotten my yearly physical on time, I'd know for sure whether or not I was somehow overdosing on calcium.

Most likely, it's just a matter of inertia. I've spent a lot more time doing creative things, like drawing and webdevving, and generally just being upright and out of bed. Sure, I still get tired out easily, and I'm often anxious, occasionally irritable, but there's a sense of optimism about me, too. Some spirit and drive.... My social supports are pretty good right now, too. I got to visit my favourite family members before I move away and, for the past month or so, my days have been regularly blessed with the best group chat I've ever had.

That makes my "pretty good" assessment from before sound like a big understatement now, haha. It's just... weird, I guess. Weird and new for me to actually enjoy socialising, to feel confident that I can do it consistently (with this group, anyway), to settle into bed at the end of the night thinking, "wow! I got all the affection I needed today!" I'm so much nicer to myself these days, and I know that's becaue love from the outside inspires love from within, and vice versa. I don't know how to feel except fortunate... and guilty. Because of course I'll feel guilty, too! She and shame are my regular bed partners, after all.

The guilt comes from thinking about all friends I have been, in my mind, "neglecting." Neglect is a strong word, though, so I'm not sure that it really fits, especially when I consider just how patient and understanding everyone has been with me. It's like how I wonder— is something a burden if the one bearing it would never call it "burdensome?" Language is a tricky thing, but it's how I understand the world I live in. Words and their meanings are very important to me.

So I'll just leave behind the "neglect" debate and return to the facts: I get quiet. I go ghost. I struggle to stay in touch with people because of my own neuroses and psychosocial hangups. Most of the time, it starts because I'm just too tired to chat, and then the days drag into weeks and maybe even months, and the longer the dry period, the harder it is for me to muster up the strength to say, "hi," even if I've been doing better for some time now. But then there is the problem of my recurrent "crashes," where I'm fine for like three days and then lose an entire month to depression. That's just the life I've been living, and have been living for years. It makes pretty much everything conducive to happiness and healthy living at least x10 harder.

But this is not about that. This is about all the people whom I like and love and appreciate and consider as my friends, acquaintances, or at least peers, who haven't heard anything from me in at least 72 hours. People whom I really, truly want to talk to, get to know, laugh along with and support... People whom I am currently mostly-fine without. It just... doesn't sit right with me. How dare I be so content right now? Does my satisfaction cheapen those relationships? I can't understand it, and more than that I'm afraid.

It's the same kind of fear that governs my other spells of self-isolation, the same fear that drags me into my sad, lonely little corner and keeps me there as long as it can, smothers every "hi again, it's been a while!" and tells me talking is just too hard right now. I'll get to it later. I'll feel stronger later. Later, I'll be with those people again.

The difference is that, for the first time ever, I'm not totally cut off from everyone. This time, I still have friends to have fun with, who accept my affection and give it back in spades, who make me laugh and cry and think hard, and encourage me to be my best self in so many ways... I didn't know this "fear of socialising" could exist alongside a "love of socialising." To put it lightly... it's fucking throwing me off!!!

Sorry for swearing, haha. I guess this just goes to show that, even in my current quasi-contentment, there are still some things I need to take care of. And I think, rather than beating myself up for playing favourites or being "neglectful," I should be grateful for this brand new experience. Isn't this the foundation I've been lacking? The solid ground I've been searching for? Finally, I've got somewhere safe to plant my feet while I reach out for something more.

So, to all the people I haven't spoken to in a while, if you happen to be reading this: I miss you and I'll get back to you... eventually! Lol, sorry for the sudden drop in hopeful language, but I don't want to make any promises because we'll both be disappointed. I need to go at my own pace... but I also know I need to push myself a little more. I don't know when or how I'm going to make that happen, but I really do want to try. I want to do my best for everyone's sake, but especially for my own. I want to be the kind of friend that people are willing to wait for.

I have a feeling that after I move away, when I'm in a brand new place where everything is new (and scary), I'll be more motivated to return to things that I already know, and I'll finally fulfill the obligations I've made for myself. At least that's what I'm banking on. If it doesn't happen that way... well, we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Hmm... what else can I say? I feel like I should say more!!! Umm... ehh... I dunno. I tired myself out, LOL. I did that thing where I start to write and then get sidetracked doing other things, and then all of a sudden it's bedtime! So... I'm gonna get in bed. I won't even upload this til tomorrow— that's just how sleepy I am.

Full disclosure, I wrote the beginning and ending of this entry on the 14th and then, after reading Bridget's latest scribbles, felt confident enough to say what I really wanted to share. Before this, I was really censoring myself for fear of hurting the friends I've been distant from, for fear of judgement by people who would assume the worst of me... But I believe it's important to speak honestly, not just for honesty's sake, or for keeping accurate records of my thoughts and feelings, but so those very same people who might feel hurt or cast judgement could understand me a little better. And then, no matter what the response, I can say that I did my part. I tried my best. I was myself, for that's all I can be.

It's a beautiful day outside! When I got out of bed, I opened all the windows and brought a nice, warm breeze into the house. More recently, when I went out to get the mail, I didn't even put my pants on. The trees are not fully green just yet, but they've filled out so beautifully in just the past week. Is it already summertime...? I haven't changed the data on my magnetic calendar since 22 April— let me update it now!

... and then I got sidetracked updating all sorts of things... All Vivarism stuff— like putting some of this year's art on my Undertale Gallery, updating the button wall on my Explore page, and moving stuff around on the Homepage, too. Pretty sure I did some other stuff that I can't even remember.

Christ. I am too hungry to write this right now. I need to eat dinner!!!

... okay, phew! I feel better now, having scarfed down some lukewarm leftovers. While I ate, I watched the first episode of Sanrio Danshi (2018), which was so much more emotionally demanding than I thought it'd be. I'm not complaining, though— it actually felt really good to cry. I'm not the type to hold back my tears at all, but for some reason I've spent the past few months feeling like I really, really need to cry, the kind where you just revel in your own misery for a good twenty minutes, but I stop short whenever it starts up. It's frustrating.

I did cry the other day, though, for longer than I'd have liked with an audience present. I learnt then that if you try to keep your eyes shut while your tears bubble up, that your eyelids will twitch uncontrollably with the effort of keeping them inside. It was quite the unpleasant sensation. From now on, I'll just let them spill no matter what.

When I started creating this month's layout, there were at least a few things I wanted to write about. All those topics escape me, now— except the one where I complain about my diary entries being boring. Hah. And I'd just blame it on my mental illness, as usual... But I won't subject anyone to that right now. I guess I'm just too tired.

I want to live my life one hour at a time, but how can I do that when I'm barely aware of the time passing? I'm happy to report that I was upright at my desk all day, caught in a flow state doing my webby stuff, but... aren't I supposed to take breaks? Get up and stretch? Pay attention not only to the things happening around me, but inside of me, too? I'm sure I got up a few times but... I barely remember it. I think my brain is not working right now.

Maybe I didn't sleep enough. Suddenly everything hurts. I'm going to get in bed...