July 2024

What can I say? It's a cloudy evening. I'm tormented by the self-perpetuating cycle of depression. Not much else is new.

I started writing this entry in my head while I was laid up in bed, feeling sorry for myself. My thoughts were spinning on the same old problem: my life's passion is the written word, but I can't write, I never finish anything, I don't know how. It goes beyond writer's block— it's pathological. I'm ill. I have been from the start.

Thankfully, I already had an end to my pitiful rant in mind. I would conclude with the reminder that, for as long as I'm suffering from this condition, I can't do everything I'm dreaming of... but I can do some things. And whatever those things may be, as small as they are, they jam up the wheels and slowly break the cycle. Pleased with my plan to inspire and delight my meager audience, I peeled back the covers and shambled over to my desk. Then I started Doing Things.

First of all, since setting up my PC in my new place, I've been concerned about my CPU. The fan fell off and actually broke in the move, and since "repairing" it, I've noticed the temperature suddenly skyrocketing, making all my fans chug. It's not like it was much different before, but I'm hyperaware of it now.

And tonight, just opening up VSCodium made her run hot! I figured that, since I hadn't actually started writing yet, I might as well mess with the case fans first. I flipped one of my exhaust fans around to become intake instead. I accidentally stripped the screws in the process, but it's an even 3v3 now. If the issue persists, then flip around another one, too.

Before I managed to turn my computer back on, I remembered I need to shove some silica packets in my suitcases and some other boxes. Halfway through that task, I decided that while my big suitcase was open, I should put away the socks and camisoles that I haven't been wearing. The bag where I'm keeping the leftover undies sits right next to the bag full of my panties— all of which are highly beloved and in regular use, thank you very much— so I thought, "oh, I should put the clean ones away." Just like that, I was folding my laundry!

Then I was tidying my desk. Then I was tidying the pantry. Then I was making plans to cook beans for dinner tomorrow, which means I need to buy an onion, which lines up perfectly with plans that will force me out of the house anyways. Then I was... I dunno. I got sidetracked doing Even More Things in the middle of this entry.

But you see what I'm getting at, don't you? This is living proof of the broken cycle. I think just writing anything at all would be proof enough, but now I've experienced for myself what it's like to get the ball rolling. It's happened before; it'll happen again. Most often, it'll probably be a bunch of small things again, but something is always better than nothing, and it all adds up. Wasn't in just a few months ago when I was writing about every achievement— no matter how grand— really being a long list of small tasks? All of Vivarism, a mere collection of keystrokes. All of life, a mere collection of moments. Something like that.

I'm starting to annoy myself now, haha. I want to do something else, but I don't know what!!! Maybe do some webby stuff, who knows. I'm tempted to sign up for an online writing course— not the one that starts next week, but instead the August cour (because I'm hoping I'll be less depressed by then)— but... ahh... hmmmmm..... I'll think on it some more.

"My menses is over and I'm ready to be a human being again!" I've fantasised about opening this diary with that line for two or three days now. In that time, my period did end, but my will to "be a human being" has yet to return. I feel more like a lump than a person— which, when I actually take stock of what I've been up to, is a pretty unfair description.

To start... I made my first fanlisting!!!! It's called For the Love of Farming and it's dedicated to the 僕所物語/Story of Seasons series. Per TFL rules, I had all of June to complete it, but because I was busy moving house, in the end I threw the whole thing together in about a week. In doing so, I have discovered that I love PHP and I want to learn more about it.... All the stupid stuff I've been doing with inner- and outerHTML are basically just clunky PHP includes. Some of the maths stuff, too! Did you know you can do maths in PHP??? I didn't! I'm beyond charmed!

Something about the beautiful summer weather (and the creativity boost I get when I isolate myself┌) makes me want to shoot for Vivarism 3.0 this month. I'm not sure if I'm ready to take on such an ambitious project, but when I do, I'll want to seriously consider my use of static vs. dynamic pages. Sadly, Neocities is static hosting only, so I'll have to figure something out. Some way to push updates here and then have automatic redirects to my DOTNET domain? We'll see! It's a problem for future Flonne!!! (I love that girl. She takes care of everything for me. ─)

Besides that... You may have noticed that my Bokumono fanlisting is connected to a website called Flonne.net. These are the humble beginnings of ""The Flonne Network,"" the unsurprisingly egoistic title of my... idk... website...?? Hub??? I just needed another domain to mess with PHP! And if my kinblr days taught me anything, you should always go for the "canon" URL.

The layout needs some work— namely, mobile compatibility— but it's suitable for now. I thought it'd be cute if my tagline for sites in the hub was something like... "one polka dot in the Flonne Network," hence all the dots in the design. And I still have no intentions of playing Disgaea, but that doesn't change the fact that Flonne is literally me okay you guys!!! Funnily enough, I didn't even realise her palette matches up with my signature colours— blue, yellow, and white— until... right about now! Truly, it is a match made in heaven. (Badum tshh...) ((Get it...? Because she's an angel?))

So yeah, I whipped that up yesterday or the day before or something. Today, I made this diary layout. I thought about returning to the August-December '23 template, but I decided to save my energy and stick with this one. At first, I had zero ideas on colour palettes, assets, etc., but once I chose an icon from the lovely kura_utdr (again!), it all fell into place. If I had to give a name to this theme... it's a picnic? A cookout? Me and Sans eating sandwiches in the park?? Aw man, I wanna be with him so bad....

I should probably write this in my Undertale Diary— I thought about it earlier && now I'm feeling too lazy to edit the file— but I've been practising my tactile imagination and it's getting easier to imagine his hands. The scale, the texture, the funny feeling of his carpus.... As per usual, I've been doing a lot of bed-laying, and it's twice as comfortable when I imagine he's with me, half-asleep, petting me absently while I play around on my phone.

And what have I been doing on my phone lately...? Reading! For the first time all year, I really felt in the mood for it, so I checked out some books from Z-Library and dove right in. So far, this month's log would be...

1. Finding Me by Michelle Burford and Michelle Knight
2. A Piece of Cake by Cupcake Brown
3. Perfect Victim by Christine McGuire and Carla Norton

The last book I finished this morning, a few hours before I finally dragged myself over to my desk to make this page. I adore Norton's writing style— it reminds me my own, though obviously a much more skillful and polished version— and I'll be downloading some more of her work this evening.

My favourite of the three, though, is by far the memoir by Cupcake Brown. Like one of my favourite films, Bobbi Jo Under the Influence, it's a story of one woman's awe-inspiring recovery from severe drug addiction and unfathomable trauma. Both Cupcake and Bobbi Jo described their lowest points as one wherein they were more animal than human— using (to my memory) very nearly the exact same words.

I'll have to give Bobbi Jo's film a rewatch sometime soon. It focused more on her humanitarian achivements than her own story, though, while the inverse was true of Cupcake's book. I'm very curious to get more of an "epilogue" on that one, because by all accounts Cupcake Brown is going places. Also she black! And she hood!!! So I related to her a lot more, heheh.

In the past, I've described my favourite genre of media as "terrible things happening to women and children, preferably nonfiction." This is accurate but not exactly charitable. Recently, I realised what I'm really drawn to are tales of incredible resilience, of hope in the face of despair, life triumphing over death. Because I consider myself a weak person (again, uncharitable), I'm captivated by such shows of strength, namely mental fortitude, be it faith or cunning.

I ask myself, "how did they do that? Can I do it, too?" And then tend to stray into chastising myself for not doing it, for not knowing how, for being such a failure even though my life is comparatively easy, etc., etc.. That's what's really frustrating me, lately. I'm fed up with my inability to function "like everybody else," to keep up with my already very few responsibilities, and treat myself and others with the respect we deserve.

Why don't I do anything differently? Why aren't I better yet? Don't get me wrong, I didn't expect moving to a new place to magically fix me, but I was still kind of hoping it would.... Wishful thinking, as they say. But I have a thousand greeting card phrases to deal with moments like these:

Success is the very last thing that's given to you.

Nobody achieves anything alone.

Don't aim to be perfect, just progressively less stupid.

And more, surely... sigh. My card this month is XII, the Hanged Man. I'm sure that I could go on and on and on about what that's supposed to mean and how I'm going to ~let it guide me~ but we all know I'm just going to get my ass back into bed and read true crime books for the rest of the week. It's already Tuesday! Christ! I don't wanna do anything... ever.

Maybe I'll feel better after eating dinner. Yesterday I baked some sweet potatoes and they are calling my name.