Life in February 2023

This month, I'm cultivating...
Physical Health

Swapping a sedentary life for an active one. Daily: at least 25 minutes of aerobics, 25 minutes of stretching, a healthy amount of pacing.

Social Reconnection

Recent trauma killed my desire to socialise. It's so energy-expensive for me, but I'll slowly reach out to friends both new and old.

Dream Logging

I've been instructed to write down my nightmares, so I'll do exactly that. Journaling is good for my soul regardless.

Monthly Wisdoms
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
CardTen of Cups
TimeBright morning sun
MediaOzark (TV)
Music旅する3大欲 by picdo

Monday the 27th

Freezing cold outside today! It snowed a couple days ago, but melted just as quickly. What a mild winter we're having. The wind howls, and the sky is grey, but that's about as bad as it gets. I'm grateful that I haven't had to shovel snow even one time, though I am a bit sad that my snowboots didn't get put to any use. They're cute! They're pink! And very, very clunky, very heavy... So maybe it's for the best.

So, I think I'll skip the psychotic journal entries next time. Like literally. That "I don't have the right to kill flowers," "this is my atonement" stuff? That's the slippery slope of misplaced empathy that slides me straight into a delusional state. Usually, I immediately recognise it and shut it down. This time I saw where my thoughts were headed— straight into a mire of negativity— and, rather than do the healthy thing, I chose to chase after my own misery.

Which is rather silly, isn't it? So antithetical to everything I stand for. Vivarism is the choice to live a filling, full, lively, lovely life, and that's what I want to do. That's what I will do, what I'm doing right now, at this very second. I'm choosing life.

So, February was my grief, my depression, my little foray into a living death. March is my reflowering, my return. My birthday is coming up— I'm aiming to be happy then. By then, my PC will be finished, my weight will be down, I'll be able to write and draw without hassle, and (perhaps most importantly) there will be more time between me and the terrible thing that happened to me.

I'm even gonna make a whole new diary layout for March!!! I think that'll be tons of fun. I love coding hehe...

Today's Fruitful Moments
Feeling more like a real person now more than ever. Hanging out with my best friend helps a lot. Drew something yesterday!!! It came out pretty cute and I had fun. Still brushing my teeth! My dentist will be so proud.
TimeToo early

Wednesday the 22nd

Today's weather...? No idea. "Today" is hardly even here. It's 5 in the morning. I woke up at 3 and haven't been able to go back to sleep. I think it's supposed to rain later, but who knows. Right now, I feel kind of like I'm existing in between things like time and weather.

For Christmas, I received a little flower-growing kit: a tiny pot, some soil, some plant food, and a handful of daisy seeds. I only recently planted them, and they only recently sprouted. I was so excited to wake up one morning and see the pot full of tall, green shoots. Daisy sprouts have only two little leaves on top, so they're extra cute. I was immediately smitten.

And then I knocked the pot over. Not on purpose, of course, but it's easy to feel guilty even for an accident. I knocked it over and spilled out all the soil and all the sprouts and chipped the side of the pot and basically ruined everything. I spent the next fifteen minutes separating the dirt from the shattered ceramic and attempting to repot the fragile, little shoots. There were at least 10 or 12 before I destroyed them. Now it seems only 2 or 3 have managed to survive, but they don't stand tall. They're all twisted and low.

I'm here complaining about this because I can't stop thinking about it. It's so mundane. It's so meaningless. They're just daisies, nothing I really wanted, certainly nothing I needed, and push come to shove, I can just go out and buy more seeds— buy a whole new starter kit, if I wanted to. And yet I continue to ruminate on it. Every time I see the pot and its miserable contents I feel like screaming....

I think it upsets me so much because it's all my fault. Things were supposed to be different, but because I was careless, now things are ruined. It's even worse that it all happened because I was trying to be helpful. I put the pot on a precarious windowsill, hoping to give the flowers a little more light. I keep thinking, "I should have known better," "I could tell that there wasn't enough space," "why did I ever think gravity was on my side?" It's embarrassing. I feel stupid.

And what has me in the deepest despair is that I can't fix it. Sure, a fraction of the plants survived, but their stems are bent and overwrought. The pot is mostly empty now, too. Even if they flower, it will never look the way it was intended. Instead of a bright, happy bushel, it'll be just two or three sad, twisted, little blossoms.

This was supposed to be an anecdote about what cannot be undone, but can be made new. Hopes that cannot be unshattered, but the fragmented pieces of which can be rejoined. Something, something, kintsugi. Something, something, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

Well, sadly, so sadly, I regret to inform you, but this is killing me. I want to throw the whole thing away.

But even that would be selfish, wouldn't it? Why should I get to decide which flowers live and die? My blunder has already killed so many, and now, to protect my own ego, I want to destroy the rest? I don't have the right. The anguish I feel every single time I look at those sprouts is well-earned, totally deserved, and only a small part of the pain I should be feeling every single day.

They'll live. They'll grow. And instead of feeling happy that it "all worked out in the end," I'll continue to suffer. This is my atonement. 40 lashes, 2-3 daisies.

Today's Fruitful Moments
Today isn't ready yet... Please come back later...
CardKnight of Wands
TimeShould-be bedtime
Music"Every Breath You Take" by The Police

Saturday the 18th

Winter weather is truly all over the place, huh? This week we had a really warm, sunny day, like springtime was coming, and on that very night a freezing wind howled through and froze everything over again. Today was not windy, at least, but still cold. I should have worn a scarf.

Maybe it's a bit too early to get excited about my birthday, but I bought some birthday candles today and I can't wait to stick them into an apple pie, light them, and blow them out 30 seconds later. I'd love to have an apple cheesecake, too, if I could. Ugh, yum... But I've only ever baked bread, and I'm not ambitious enough to attempt a cake right now, so I'll be limited to whatever the local bakery has on offer. Either way I'm sure it'll be delicious.

Haven't been drawing or writing much lately, which makes me a bit sad, but not sad enough to change anything. The other day I cranked out 1,000 pretentious words where I paid more mind to consonance than content but— oh, and here I am doing it again, haha. I promise that wasn't totally intentional. Well, it wasn't at first, but then once I realised it was happening, I leaned into it for the bit. Only full honesty here on Vivarism dot org.

Anyways, poeticism is very important to me. I'm obsessed with words and I especially like when they sound alike. So when I want to show off, I really focus on consonance— not alliteration, which is made gaudy by its obviousness, so it should be used sparingly— and oh my God, it's so fun!!!! Haha, look at me getting excited about writing just at the memory. I wish I had an impressive-enough excerpt to share because I'd surely have a blast analysing it. I once took a university course on writing style & editing, and one of our assignments was to do exactly that. Not to brag, but I packed so much soundplay into a single paragraph, it took two or three pages to explain!

It's such a shame, isn't it? Every day I squander my talents, and when I actually do write it's— what? Undertale fanfiction? Soooo embarrassing. But... no... I'm supposed to be letting myself have fun. It's not like I'm doing anything bad, anyway! Sigh... I feel like these were lessons I learned two freaking years ago, yet here I am again. It's all so unfairly Sisyphean.

Today's Fruitful Moments
Haven't had any nightmares in a while. I think my sleep is improving overall, too. Ran errands— literally. Okay that's not true. I was speed-walking at best. Tried to buy an exercise mat, bought a whole rug instead, which would have been great if it actually looked good in my bedroom. Home decor is all about trial and error I suppose! Sent an e-mail. Texted a friend. I'm not ready to do much more, but I do offer it some daily consideration.
CardKing of Swords
TimeBefore breakfast
MoodCautiously optimistic
Music"Uh-Oh" by (G)I-DLE

Monday the 13th

Pretty chilly outside today! The wind is whipping around as usual. I like how two-faced wintertime can be. It looks all bright and sunny, like maybe it might be warm for realsies, and then you stick your face out into the chilliest, most day-ruining air imaginable. Living where I do, I'm surprised my tears haven't ever frozen to my face.

Yesterday I wrote the most depressing, sad-sack, woe is me, who even cares type diary entry. It was so bad that I deleted it haflway through because, truly, who cares? Yes, documentation is important to me, but I'm not here to get anybody hyped up over a new Vivarism update, so you go click on it, and you're all excited, but, then the page loads and, oh, great! It's just Flonne pitying herself again, and in the vaguest way possible because she's ashamed of what's happened to her. I absolutely cannot allow myself to do that! To myself, or to anyone reading this website!!

So... here's to being a bit more upbeat? Even though it's hard? Even though I feel like screaming? Even though I'm holding together the last vestiges of my being with sticky oats and washi tape? You know, this is something I actually envy about my past self. She was able to wax poetic about the most mundane of things— lemon water, flower clippings, the colour of a dreary, overcast sky— while her world was burning straight to fucking ash. Reading through my old journals, the misery is pretty plain-faced, yet at the same time totally indirect. Maybe I need a bit more of that energy during these trying times.

So, yeah, let's celebrate something mundane. I still haven't finished my PC... It seems the graphics card is too big— I literally can't plug it in, there's no space for it on my motherboard/in my case— so that's another frustrating delay. I'm kind of at a loss for what size/type I need, so I haven't even tried to buy another yet. It seems my computer is still a semi-distant dream, so close yet so far... But I'm going crazy not being able to sit properly at my desk. I'm going insane not being able to draw. So this morning I said "fuck it" and decided to hook up my new monitor to my laptop. The result is, in a word, ghetto.

I'm not going to lie. For someone who dropped a couple thousand on this build, right now I feel like the brokest nigga alive. The mess of cables... Ugh... You can't really see it, but there's a bulky USB hub sitting inside the open PC case, plugged up to hell and back, and if I so much as breathe at my laptop, it comes undone and the monitor shuts down and I literally plead with it like a hot-and-cold lover during our third break up. "Please, honey, whatever it is that I did, I promise I won't do it again! Please come back!"

But, uh, when it works, it works. I'm pretty pleased! I think once I have the actual computer up and running, this will be a really rewarding set-up. The big screen is nice and easy on the eyes. Once my laptop is out the way, I'll have more desk space than ever before. And even though I literally do not have enough ports to use my Cintiq right now, I'm super excited for the adjustable swivel stand thingy I've propped it up on. I'll be able to drag it close to float in front of my monitor, have it hover over my keyboard, then push it to the side when I want to type again. Very promising!

For the record, this was my old setup, and that was some truly broke-ass living. My Cintiq propped up on secondhand Calculus books... Enough USB hubs to violate OSHA standards... All that valuable real estate under my screen wasted on, what? Scrap paper and tech that I wasn't even using? Dont' even get me started on the ergonomics. At least I seem to be well-hydrated in this photo. Remind me to refill my water bottle next time I get up.

Another reason I'm really excited for my new PC is that I'll be able to scan my laptop. Like, in my printer. I want to take a scan of the back and show off how cute all my stickers are!!! Obviously, I wouldn't have been able to do that before, because I'd need the laptop on and open to receive the scan and... You get it. You're technically literate. You're on the old web, for God's sake, of course you don't need me to explain this. Anyways, look forward to that!!! Perhaps also look forward to a fun page dedicated to my new computer. ^__+^ Let's hope that all happens sooner rather than later!

Also, now that I have a bigger screen, I've noticed that one of my hairs was captured in the scan of the sticker used to decorate this diary... I kinda can't unsee it... Should I go back and scan it again?! Or does this give it more character?? I can't decide, LOL.

Today's Fruitful Moments
Didn't want to write down my nightmare because it was so disgusting, but once I did, it stopped bouncing around in my head. I feel freed from it now. It was only a dream. Later today, I'm going to talk on the phone for the first time with a really good friend of mine!!! I'm looking forward to Discord Golf lmfao It's not exercise, but at the very least I am upright and out of bed today. And since I cleaned my computer-building mess off the floor, I have space to workout again! Writing this has put me in much better spirits. I think I'll eat a little bit and then do some aerobics.
Timemidday horizontalism
MediaTrials of Gabriel Fernandez
MusicMitsukiyo's Dream Box

Wednesday the 8th

Today is very bright, very cold, and a little windy. Apparently it rained sometime in the morning because my packages were wet and there was ice in the road. I slipped on it but didn't fall— I'm really grateful.

My distress tolerance is at an all time low. For some reason I don't cry as much as I did before, but that sad, overwhelmed feeling remains. My mood is so up and down. I'm trying to be optimistic, reasonable, patient, but it's hard. I'm not throwing tantrums or anything but sometimes I just feel so dejected, like I would rather dissolve into a puddle than live another day. Ok that's extreme. It's not that bad, I promise. I'm just so tired.

Wanted to sleep decently last night but I stayed up til 5am. Didn't want to eat but ate anyway. The last of my PC components arrived today and I was so excited to build my computer, but it didn't go as planned. I think everything will be okay in the end— I know it will!!!— but right now I'm just disappointed in myself. Too frustrated to continue.

I don't have the energy to do anything right now. I wanna lay down. I wanna curl up. I want to be warm and comfortable and safe...

TimeSun-up afternoon
MediaRevenge (TV)
MusicHowl's Moving Castle OST

Sunday the 5th

After yesterday's subzero winds, today feels like summer. I didn't go outside though. I'm really not much for going outside lately....

I'll just be honest here: I'm not doing well. Superficially I'm better than ever: my hygiene is way up, I'm working out, my most important relationships are well-mainted, and I'm making it into town for therapy every week. Something just clicked in my brain that made me able to brush my teeth, it seems. It kinda came out of nowhere, but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth, even if mine is always numb with extra-strength toothpaste. But, uh... other than that? The kids are not alright.

"Kids." Please, I'm 22, almost 23, so please don't mind the inaccuracy. I just didn't have a snappier way to say "I'm tired, I'm depressed, I have nightmares every night, I don't want to eat and feel bad when I do, I stopped writing, I stopped coding, I stopped reading, all I do is refresh niche websites populated by maladjusted women and girls and it's so boring, I'm bored, I'm sad, I am deeply deeply sad, it's so hard for me to exist." Is there a faster way to say that? Maybe I need an acronym.

At least I had some fun coding this page! I thought it might be nice to use a sticker set that until now has only been featured in the Toybox. I also haven't been able to cut out any new Cutie stickers lately, anyhow, so I feel bored of the ones I have. I'm really looking forward to getting my new computer set up. I have a feeling that my whole world will reopen, and there will be new things to discover and try that I haven't even thought of yet. Today the CPU fans arrived, and I think the computer chip itself is due sometime next week. There have been a couple of mishaps with ordering incompatible parts, but it is my first custom build, so mistakes are to be expected. The only downside is the delay! If I had bought the correct chip in the first place, I could have finished building the whole thing today!!!!

Still, um, it's something to be excited and optimistic about. Lord knows I need optimism and excitement these days. Sorry I haven't been updating as much as I promised. Everyone who's reading, please pray for me. I'm doing my best over here, but some good vibes from beyond never hurt anyone.

Today's Fruitful Moments
I LOVE WORKING OUT!!! It's a lot of fun! I'm much better off following a video than doing whatever random exercises I remember from high school, lol. Stretching is also amazing. Time passes so quickly, I feel like I could do it forever. Maybe someday I'll dedicate whole hours of my day to stretching. When I finish up here, I'll start replying to old DMs... I feel nervous, but I know I'll have fun once I get started. Nevermind. I ran out of energy. When I woke up at 5AM today (hah) I immediately wrote down my bad dream. I also talked about a completely separate bad dream with someone in the morning, so that one got some processing, too.